Ranty rant

"Your actions are showing your children that you choose sport over God".  It wasn't the sort of conversation I expected at a four year old's birthday party with someone I'd only just met. What had struck me first about her was how like me she looked.  Short, sensible hair, glasses, practical fleece jumper and jeans.  She initiated the conversation, somehow managing to ask me if I was a Christian within the first few minutes, "Born again?", just to be sure.  The discussion was intense, particularly tricky to follow in parts as we were in a large children's soft play warehouse and she was on my right, (the side I am deaf - in case you are wondering, mumps, aged 5, permanent, total hearing loss in one ear, irreversible, no MMR qualms here). I hope I was polite but assertive in my responses as I attempted to defend my faith, choice of husband and parenting.  For a rather private introvert it was an unwelcome, uncomfortable intrusion. Fortunately, as the party ended I was able to offer a lift to another parent whose child was on the verge of a meltdown, and make my exit.

Had she picked me to talk to because I look like a Christian? If that's the case, maybe I should start wearing make up, update my wardrobe, perhaps grow my hair again.  Let me be clear, I am a Christian, but I am becoming increasingly aware how different my views and priorities seem to be to many other Christians.  Where has the compassion gone? What has happened to loving our (global village) neighbours?  As Christians, our actions speak louder than our words, but our words, tweets, status updates, page shares all contribute to the message we are giving out about what is important in our lives. 

With my judgemental rage on fellow Christians still bubbling, I am also turning increasingly, un-Christianly judgemental on anyone else prepared to voice, what seems to me to be an ill informed, uncompassionate opinion on any current topical issues. For example, flooding and dredging of course, leading on nicely to global warming. Let's throw in immigration and benefits claimants for good measure. My feelings swerve between angry and saddened by people's inability or laziness to sense-check what they read, and to evaluate the political message behind much of what the media churns out.  A good example today I read was regarding the terrible flooding the UK is currently experiencing (but nothing as tragic or unimaginable as the Philippines storm devastation or conditions for Syrians trapped in Homs).  One paper reported that the Environment Agency only contributed £400,000 to dredging compared to four senior employees earning over £100,000 each.  A different paper also reported that the Environment Agency only spent £400,000 on dredging in Somerset, but explained that this was because that was all governmental rules would allow.  Same figure, very different emphasis. 

Like most things, there isn't a simple, one (head)line answer. Our world and people are complex.  You have the amazing internet, use your intelligence and research some of the issues.  Get the facts and different viewpoints, weigh them up, make informed decisions, equip yourself to be able to have an educated debate on the subjects you care about but remember your compassion.

Finally to my new found fellow Christian at the party, I admire you for you passion, I hope that perhaps you could also see some of my passion.  After the actual words we exchanged are forgotten, what will remain is how you made me feel.

Contemplating stepping on to the rollercoaster of parenthood

To my friend, contemplating stepping on to the rollercoaster of starting a family.

You, like me have not been 'blessed' with ever feeling broody or hearing the tick of the biological clock.  Without this emotional pull, the decision to try for a baby becomes more of a logical, rational process.  Let's face it, there are many very good reasons to decide not to take that step. I think you called it something like the motherhood conspiracy of silence. 

Before you even become a parent the emotional rollercoaster begins.  Hopes high of conceiving, for some so easy, for others years of anguish and significant medical intervention.  If you are fortunate enough to become pregnant, the countdown begins, with significant miles stones along the way.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, seeing your baby in a scan, feeling a kick. But with each of these, new worries and risks of finding out all is not as it should be.  You then have the most physically and mentally demanding challenge of you life - to get that baby safely delivered.

Once the baby is here nothing will ever be the same again - you and how you view the world can never be the same again.  You will be exhausted beyond belief.  Relationships will be tested and changed - some will become closer, others will strain.  You will be the recipient of more opinions and often conflicting advice than ever before.  You will sometimes have to make tough, unpopular decisions.  Things that you are passionate about and that you currently devote your time to will have to take a back seat, often for longer than you want and some perhaps, forever.  Your priorities will change, some through choice and some due to necessity.   Compromise becomes normality.
Everything is more bearable if the infamous mother's love fills you the moment you hold your baby for the first time.  This sudden flood of emotion doesn't happen for everyone.  For some it takes time.

If you do decide to step onto the rollercoaster (and deciding not to is a brave, but understandable decision), I can't promise that there won't be moments, or hours, or days or even longer where you regret your decision.  The thing about stepping on is that you cannot ever get off again.  Things can never go back to how they were.  Once you are on, however long you ride for, you take with you memories and experiences.

If you do step onto the rollercoaster there is no guarantee, but I am certain that you will meet some of the most amazing people you have ever met, particularly in our health service.  Dedicated, professional, caring and kind people.  You will see the best in people, and people not at their best. You will all too quickly learn that, in the words of a former colleague of mine who I bumped into at the zoo, that "One of the hardest things about parenting is other children's parents".   You may find the mantra 'This too will pass' particularly helpful.  You will find yourself having to go back to the very basics of everything and answer questions like 'How did I get out of your tummy?' in a manner a three year old will understand.

If you are blessed with a spirited child like we are, you may find your parenting judged even more harshly than those without such a blessing.  In this case, do your research, decide on your approach and then have confidence in yourself and your understanding of your child and family. You are nurturing a future adult with emotional, mental and physical facets. Those showing criticism with their eyebrows or mouths are unlikely to be around to see how your kid really turns out. When things don't go as planned, see it as a learning experience.  For example, we are never, ever going to a posh wedding with children ever, ever again.  Don't pay too much attention to those trying to 'help'.    Chances are they feel slightly threatened by you and everything your child appears to be achieving, just as you feel slightly threatened by every parent and child who seem to be better at something / everything than you and yours.

There are, of course, wonderful, precious moments that all parents can recall.  They are often cited as reasons to become a parent.  I won't bore you with any of mine, only to say that there are occasional moments that take your breath away or give you a physical feeling of pride swelling in your chest, moments those that make you laugh out loud or smile amidst the mundane repetition thinking what do I feed them tonight? or how many hours until bedtime? (an awful lot if you are in our house).

My dear friend, if you do choose to step onto the rollercoaster, there is only the guarantee of change and the emotional ride of your life.  On the flip side, there is no guarantee that your life at the moment won't suddenly be changed by some unforeseen event.  I know you will choose wisely. If you do step on I'm certain you will find the courage and strength to hold on tight as you plunge from the highs to the lows and glide back up again. I know that your child will be incredibly lucky to have you as their parent. If you don't step on then society, your husband, friends and family will be incredibly lucky to have you, your passion, intellect and love all to themselves. Much love xxx

Time for reflection

Have you ever caught a hint of a scent that has transported you back to another place and time?  Over the last few weeks I've had three different reasons to remember, reminisce and reflect.  A blocked sink forced me to sort out the collection of lotions and potions that resided underneath it and amongst the bottles and dust I discovered the dregs of several perfumes I used to wear.  Each one evoked memories from a different chapter in my life and for an instant I was transported back to exam season and a summer's afternoon in a field of daisies, the unexpectedly bright lights in the foyer outside a student night club and the hazy, blurry, euphoric, exhausted fog of the new born phase of parenthood.  The scent from a new packet of soap brought my Grandma and Granddad and their house into vivid view for a split second. 

We have just started to try and organise our collection of photos and videos.  With each one we want to keep we want to tag the people in them, the place and key words to make it easy to find photos in the future. There are thousands to go through and it is slow task, especially as I find myself distracted by the memories that surface.

The third prompt, perhaps more for reflection than reminiscing at the moment is that it will be our tenth wedding anniversary in a couple of weeks.  I find myself wondering what the ten years younger me would think if she could see me now.  I think she would be very happy with where we live and the friends we have, shocked at the bank balance (and not in a good way), perhaps a bit sad that work-wise I have consistently slipped down the career ladder, but more understanding as to the reason why and probably slightly surprised when she sees that we have two children.  I think she would be pleased at how well they seem to be growing and learning and amazed at how beautiful they are.  She would probably be quite judgmental of many of our parenting skills.  But most of all I think she would be disappointed at the lack of progress we have made in living a more environmentally sustainable life and our lack of action and intent to challenge the inequalities and injustices we see in the world.  What she wouldn't appreciate is just how demanding and time and energy consuming being a parent of small children is.  How they bring home one illness after the other, which the whole family catches, one after another, until everyone's immune system steps up a gear and starts to resist the bombardment.  How months which have turned into years of sleep deprivation dulls the inner voice of conscience, which previously prompted thoughts and action.  But then she would question what sort of home environment our children are experiencing where we only focus on meeting our own needs and planning our own enjoyment?  What sort of example we are setting in our attitudes, aspirations and hopes for our children?  How are we equipping them with the emotional, social and intellectual tools they need to become successful adults who are emotionally secure, confident, positive contributors to our society?  As the ten years younger me isn't here to come up with all the answers we're going to have to work them out for ourselves and decide what, if anything we want to do differently.  I hope that in another ten years I'm not prompted to ask the ten years older me same questions.

We've just got back from a meeting in our favourite local cafe to discuss ideas that initiated from chats between a few friends, have begun to be formulated in to practical action by a few key individuals and are now been thrown open wide to all interested parties on how to improve our local town using the energy, enthusiasm and skills of local people.  All of which were represented overwhelmingly this evening - inspiring and encouraging in itself.  One idea is to take over a disused building in the town (there are many), and use it a a central community hub.  From discussions tonight I realise, as is to be expected, that everyone one has different ideas on the building and what it could and should be used for.  While the ideas are still buzzing round my head, here is my vision of the hub, as it stands at the moment, although this will change as my ideas continue to evolve.  I hope it will be of interest to those local friends, and for those of you further afield, I'd be interested to hear if what I describe would appeal to you.

My vision of a community hub is a large, glass fronted building, centrally located in our town.  It is large so that parts of it, maybe an upstairs if it has one, can be hired out to to small business start-ups, as low cost, low risk investments, to provide an income to cover the basic running costs of heating, lighting and staffing the building.  It is glass fronted so that the community can see in it, see what is going on, and there are no barriers from stepping inside.  It isn't a very beautiful, historically important listed building because this will be costly to maintain, difficult for people to see in to, and perhaps have the courage to enter, and will potentially have significant limitations as to how the space inside can be configured.

The building's entrance is wide, the doors open easily so buggies, walking sticks and wheelchairs feel welcomed.  Inside the entrance are large and small lockers, similar to those at a public swimming pool.  The lockers are large enough for bags, buggies wet coats, umbrellas and shopping so people can free themselves of their belongings as they enter.  There are light, bright, spacious, warm, clean toilets, baby change and baby feeding facilities.  Everything is designed to be safe and easy to access for children, older people and disabled people, or as I like to call them in my head, differently-abled people.  There is possibly a manned reception desk where everyone is welcomed with a genuine, pleased-to-see you smile.

Inside the building is made up in such a way that there are movable wall panels that mean that meeting rooms of almost any size can be created as well as a huge open space when they are all removed.  There is easy access to power sockets, network or wireless connections and where needed, projectors and screens.  The space is light, bright, airy, warm and clean.  The flexibility of the venue makes it attractive to hire.  There are plenty of comfortable places to sit.

I hope you are getting an idea of the building and the space.  So, what will you do when you are in there?  The possibilities are endless, but here are a few.

There could be art displays from local artists, local children, visiting collections, some of which are visible from the outside to catch the eye of passer bys and encourage them in.  Displays would regularly change to encourage repeat visits.  There could be workshops - we recently attended a bread making workshop organised with friends that was a fantastic social as well as learning experience.  Cooking, craft, gardening, writing, sewing, IT, the list goes on.  Semi-informal gatherings where those with skills and experience share with those keen to learn.  Costs are kept to a minimum for each workshop or where possible are free.  In order to support local businesses as opposed to taking away trade, partnerships are established where for example, a local chef, knitter, IT trainer offer a taster workshop at the hub. An opportunity for the local business to advertise to an interested audience, an opportunity for someone to try something out with out financial or long-term commitment.  Space could be hired out by groups including, but of course not limited to those that offer children's activities.

Key to the success and long term viability of the hub are the links it facilitates between the generations and different groups of people (in my world, the hub is for everyone, with appropriate safeguards in place.  If Alcoholics Anonymous want to hire a room, great).  I'm not sure if the hub has a dedicated cafe area open in the day (as much as I do love the idea of spending my days baking cakes for people and making them tea).  There are a number of excellent independent cafes in our town centre.  I wouldn't want the hub to become competition.  However, I would want it to have kitchen facilities available for cooking workshops.  I also love the idea of holding communal cooking evenings.  There must be plenty of parents who find themselves thinking what do I feed the kids tonight?  I'm certain there are single people and elderly people who don't want to cook for just one, again.  So, we get everyone together, share the cooking, sit and eat together, wash and clear up together.  Kids have playmates and new people to learn from, lonely people have company and the opportunity to be reminded what it is like to see the world through a child's eyes and tired parents get an escape and practical support for one evening from the drudgery (if that's how it feels) of feeding their ever hungry children.  Bedtime stories could be read by willing volunteers and hot cocoa served - or maybe that is a bit too Enid Blyton.  To take the communal eating idea one sustainable step further, we try and use ingredients from local suppliers including grocers and butchers that is on the edge of not being suitable for sale.

I think those are most of my current thoughts.  What do you think?  Does the hub in my head appeal to you?  Want to come a real, communally created version of it?  Let's make it happen.

A high that money can't buy

I've heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child. The 'village' that is helping us raise our children is both physical and on-line. How did parents ever cope with all the 'Why?' questions without Google? Social networking is also fantastic for arranging real- life meet-ups, particularly last minute ones when there are bored or hyperactive children who need playmates. Without the power of the internet to connect people it is unlikely that we would have met the people that we now class as good friends, and form a vital part of our 'village'. Without having met them, and grown and nurtured friendships through a combination of online communication and doing real life stuff together, then I don't think my life would be as full and rewarding as it is now.
The thing that our village seems to have in common, apart from most of them being parents, is that they not only look for, but see the really good and positive things around them, and when they see an opportunity to go, learn, do something, they take it up enthusiastically. I think if everyone had friends like ours the world would be a much happier place. We come from different backgrounds, political positions and religious viewpoints, but there is an unsaid connection with regards to trying to live a more sustainable, ethically considerate life, with our amazing and beautiful children and their life experiences at the centre.

One of the most enjoyable things I have done recently involved a large number of our 'village', who between us had a very informal bread making workshop. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it was that made it so special, but I think it was an experience that money really couldn't buy and I've been carrying a happy glow inside ever since, thinking about it.

I must admit I had low expectations of the actual bread that we would produce, but thanks to an excellent recipe and two friends who had attended a proper bread making workshop and who got the whole event rolling, by offering to share what they had learnt, we all managed to produce something delicious! Perhaps part of the feeling of the day was the feeling of baking success, perhaps it was the feeling of acceptance and equality for everyone involved, reaffirmation of existing friendships, initiation of new ones, everyone united in their desire to learn and have fun. Perhaps the stress levels dropped because the children all played really nicely and there was a wonderful smell of baking bread, perhaps it was the lovely weather and view of fields, beach and sea from the window, perhaps it was the practical nature of it - really getting our hands dirty, and the physical exertion of kneading (our informal instructor said you always need to knead more than you think you need to knead - Mum, I think this is where we went wrong all those years ago when we tried to make bread on a plastic table cloth on the kitchen floor, or maybe it was because we used dried yeast instead of fresh). Perhaps it was the feeling of working as a team, some people preparing ingredients, others washing up, everybody working together. Perhaps it was the taste of homemade soup that people had brought to share, or fresh hot cross buns with melted butter that tasted so good because of the knowledge of the huge amount of effort that had gone in to making them. Perhaps it was the chance to learn something new, different from normal and something that has the potential to be used in everyday life that made it all so satisfying.

Perhaps the feelings that I enjoyed were a result of our mini- village working as a community, to produce things that can only come from a community effort. I know there are a million and one reasons why communities don't work, but our little bread making workshop has reminded me that it does take a village to raise a child, and a child is best raised with the love, help and support of the village, whether it be a physical, geographical village, or bunch of internet village people.

Three dimensional excitement

I'm not one for wanting to know the future particularly.  I must admit to being surprised at the number of Facebook friends who have horoscopes appearing on their wall.  However, there's a difference between supposedly knowing, and imagining the future.  Imagining is a little luxury I allow myself probably more time than I should and one recent news report about 3D printers now available to buy for home use got me quite excited.  Many years ago a former work colleague was enthusiastially telling me about 3D printers.  I could see the potential but wasn't sure of the practicalities.  Now they are a much closer reality, so Julian, if you happen to read this, I'm with you now.  I am assuming that most people like me about 8 years ago, won't share my excitement for 3D printers, so let me explain the potential. 

3D printers work by printing thin layers on top of each other to create a three dimensional shape.  The domestic printers available now can print something up to the size of a loaf of bread, using melted plastic as the 'ink'.  My inital thought was how good it would be to be able to 'print out' replacement parts for broken toys or missing puzzle pieces, or even print out new toys.  If the plastic used could be re-used, then toys could be recycled at the end of their life rather than thrown away.  A whole new industry could spring to life selling designs, rather than the objects themselves.  You could simply download a design for the latest 'thing' and set your printer to work.  There is also mention of software to enable you to create your own 3D designs.  I'm sure many of us have had at least occasional ideas for a new gadget, and this combination of design technology and 3D printing would make is possible for us to have a go at creating our very own 'thing'.  What a fabulous learning resource for kids as well. 

If the materials used by the 3D printers could also easily be returned to their pre-printing state by being melted or crushed, each household could also have a recycling machine. Imagine how much clutter could be got rid of. Melt down everything you don't need, just print out what you need, when you need it.

So my ideas were focussing on fixing broken toys and other potential household objects when I read another article detailing how a 3D printer had been used to print out a new jaw bone for an elderly lady in the Netherlands.  Titanium powder was heated by a laser and the bone was then printed out one layer at a time.  The replacement bone was successfully attached in only 4 hours, a fifth of the time reconstructive surgery would take.  The woman was able to swallow the next day and go home after 4 days. Wow. This blows my mind.

So in the future I can imagine each household having a domestic 3D printer and using it to print out things like extra cutlery for additional dinner guests, picture hooks, replacement keys and even shoes.  Then there would be specialist printers that could print for example, car parts, medical equipment and larger items.  To me this is an exciting and very different world to where we are now.  A real and significant threat to the manufacturing and retail industry.  An exciting opportunity for the creative industries.  As it becomes easier and cheaper to produce so many everyday items, the possesions we have might be divided into two types - those that can be easily replaced by printing and those that can't, resulting in more value being placed on the latter.

So, if I had spare cash to invest, 3D printing is definintely where I would be investing it.

Christmas Reflections

Another month and I'll be ready for Christmas is how I'm responding when people ask how preparations are going. Christmas is four days away. One excuse is that we've had our kitchen done, including a wall knocked through. It is mostly finished, but there's still some painting to do and the endless dust to try and tame. It wasn't planned, rather an opportunity for a second-hand, but excellent quality kitchen and appliances. Fortunately I'm not cooking Christmas Dinner this year (my first attempt, which seemed to go down quite well was last year). This has meant I've been able to plan a few home made gifts for family. I intended to do this last year, but ran out of time. I get a good feeling making and eating things that have taken time and patience to prepare. It makes me appreciate the delicate balance of luck and skill in bringing a harvest in, baking something delicious or creating something unique that money can't buy.


Whilst I've been stirring the chutney or wrapping gifts I've be reflecting on what is important at Christmas for me. We've just returned from London, visiting old friends and family. There is something incredibly special about sharing a meal with people you have known for years, or even decades. recounting memories, listening to rather exaggerated tales and watching the next generation play. In this case one of the people we saw was a life-long friend of my husband's business partner.  He has had a long list of jobs and a rather colourful life it has to be said. I fondly remember that he happened to be the taxi driver who picked up my husband and I the night things turned from friends to something more. I also managed to go to my old church. The congregation was pretty much the same, if a decade older and it felt like home walking into the building.


Christmas is of course important to me because of my Christian faith, but what is faith without action or response? I feel fortunate this year that we are going to see more family and friends over the Christmas period than other years. There will be food, gifts and hopefully dancing on New Year's Eve. It is spending time with all these people and in doing so acknowledging that even where we have opposing opinions or a different view of the world, they are each an important part of the fabric of our lives that makes Christmas special for me.



I hope wherever you are and whoever you spend time with this Christmas and New Year, you have an opportunity to reflect.  I hope when you reflect you find many reasons to smile at the wonderful people you get to share your life with. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!