Contemplating stepping on to the rollercoaster of parenthood

To my friend, contemplating stepping on to the rollercoaster of starting a family.

You, like me have not been 'blessed' with ever feeling broody or hearing the tick of the biological clock.  Without this emotional pull, the decision to try for a baby becomes more of a logical, rational process.  Let's face it, there are many very good reasons to decide not to take that step. I think you called it something like the motherhood conspiracy of silence. 

Before you even become a parent the emotional rollercoaster begins.  Hopes high of conceiving, for some so easy, for others years of anguish and significant medical intervention.  If you are fortunate enough to become pregnant, the countdown begins, with significant miles stones along the way.  Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, seeing your baby in a scan, feeling a kick. But with each of these, new worries and risks of finding out all is not as it should be.  You then have the most physically and mentally demanding challenge of you life - to get that baby safely delivered.

Once the baby is here nothing will ever be the same again - you and how you view the world can never be the same again.  You will be exhausted beyond belief.  Relationships will be tested and changed - some will become closer, others will strain.  You will be the recipient of more opinions and often conflicting advice than ever before.  You will sometimes have to make tough, unpopular decisions.  Things that you are passionate about and that you currently devote your time to will have to take a back seat, often for longer than you want and some perhaps, forever.  Your priorities will change, some through choice and some due to necessity.   Compromise becomes normality.
Everything is more bearable if the infamous mother's love fills you the moment you hold your baby for the first time.  This sudden flood of emotion doesn't happen for everyone.  For some it takes time.

If you do decide to step onto the rollercoaster (and deciding not to is a brave, but understandable decision), I can't promise that there won't be moments, or hours, or days or even longer where you regret your decision.  The thing about stepping on is that you cannot ever get off again.  Things can never go back to how they were.  Once you are on, however long you ride for, you take with you memories and experiences.

If you do step onto the rollercoaster there is no guarantee, but I am certain that you will meet some of the most amazing people you have ever met, particularly in our health service.  Dedicated, professional, caring and kind people.  You will see the best in people, and people not at their best. You will all too quickly learn that, in the words of a former colleague of mine who I bumped into at the zoo, that "One of the hardest things about parenting is other children's parents".   You may find the mantra 'This too will pass' particularly helpful.  You will find yourself having to go back to the very basics of everything and answer questions like 'How did I get out of your tummy?' in a manner a three year old will understand.

If you are blessed with a spirited child like we are, you may find your parenting judged even more harshly than those without such a blessing.  In this case, do your research, decide on your approach and then have confidence in yourself and your understanding of your child and family. You are nurturing a future adult with emotional, mental and physical facets. Those showing criticism with their eyebrows or mouths are unlikely to be around to see how your kid really turns out. When things don't go as planned, see it as a learning experience.  For example, we are never, ever going to a posh wedding with children ever, ever again.  Don't pay too much attention to those trying to 'help'.    Chances are they feel slightly threatened by you and everything your child appears to be achieving, just as you feel slightly threatened by every parent and child who seem to be better at something / everything than you and yours.

There are, of course, wonderful, precious moments that all parents can recall.  They are often cited as reasons to become a parent.  I won't bore you with any of mine, only to say that there are occasional moments that take your breath away or give you a physical feeling of pride swelling in your chest, moments those that make you laugh out loud or smile amidst the mundane repetition thinking what do I feed them tonight? or how many hours until bedtime? (an awful lot if you are in our house).

My dear friend, if you do choose to step onto the rollercoaster, there is only the guarantee of change and the emotional ride of your life.  On the flip side, there is no guarantee that your life at the moment won't suddenly be changed by some unforeseen event.  I know you will choose wisely. If you do step on I'm certain you will find the courage and strength to hold on tight as you plunge from the highs to the lows and glide back up again. I know that your child will be incredibly lucky to have you as their parent. If you don't step on then society, your husband, friends and family will be incredibly lucky to have you, your passion, intellect and love all to themselves. Much love xxx